clickhole

As a ClickHole contributor, I write headlines, social media posts, and celebrity quotes for the site’s popular “They Said WHAT!?!” series. Below is a selection of some of my jokes.

They Said What!?!s & Social Posts

Headlines

Interesting: Heinz.com Is Claiming That They Are Only Collecting Visitor Data To Put On A Hard Drive That They Use To Crush Tomatoes

Disappointing News For The Fans: The NBA Finals Will Be Settled In Arbitration

The Caitlin Clark Effect: Dick’s Sporting Goods Just Released A Basketball With A Ponytail

Master Tactician: Joe Biden Just Solemnly Pushed A Figurine That Looks Exactly Like Him Across A Tabletop Map Towards A Dot Labeled ‘McDonald’s’

4 Episodes Of X-Men Where Professor X Passed Out From Using Cerebro To Locate Other Single Bald Men

Finally! The Witness Protection Program Has Announced It Will Now Offer You A New Identity If You Just Straight-Up Don’t Like Your Life

Finally: Ring Has Unveiled A Cheaper Option Where An Old Person In A Rocking Chair Sits On Your Porch And Tells You Everything They Saw That Day

Medical Mystery: The American Medical Association Has Confessed It Has No Idea Where A Nosebleed Goes When It Stops

‘Did You Think You Could Run? We’ll Hunt You Like The Dog You Are’: This Man Just Moved Into A Brand New Apartment And L.L.Bean Has Already Sent Him A Mail Order Catalog Addressed By Name

Finally! Le Creuset Just Unveiled A Line Of Incredibly Microwave-Unsafe Dinner China For Bad Boys And Daredevils

Even From The Great Beyond, Our Ancestors Watch Over Us: This Man’s Dead Grandma Just Appeared In His Google Doc

If It’s Websites You’re Looking For, You’d Be Hard Pressed To Top YouTube.com (By Drake)

Mark Your Calendars: Astronomers Just Announced That This Month The Property Brothers Will Be In Perfect Alignment, Appearing As If A Single Property Brother

Leveling With Us: The American Dental Association Has Confirmed That The Benefits Of Brushing Your Teeth At The Office Don’t Outweigh The Social Repercussions

‘Twizzlers Are Food’: The Main Selling Point Of Twizzlers’ New Campaign Is That They Are Food

A Wonderful Update: The American Society For Microbiology Just Announced That All Those Tiny Little Guys Are Doing Just Fine

Tough Break For Dad: Barack Obama Is Using His Hall Pass On Mom

A Piece Of History: The Only Thimbleful Of Pixie Dust That Remained When The Last Little Girl Stopped Believing In JFK Is Coming To The Smithsonian

Full Transparency: This Gas Station Bathroom’s Cleaning Logsheet Has Another Sheet Next To It Listing All The Times Someone Absolutely Lit The Place Up

Some Brawn To Balance Out The Brains: Home Depot Has Been Added To The Ivy League

In Defense Of Pus (By Miranda Cosgrove)

Absolutely Bewildering: These Children Call Their Grandpa Exclusively By His Full Name (Walter Feldman) But Refer To Their Grandma Only As ‘Puzzles’

Your Aerocopter Is Ready, The Air Is Calm, Take Your Place Beneath The Wings, And Fly! Fly, John Slattery!

An End To 113 Years Of Bloodshed: Merriam Webster And Oxford English Dictionary Have Finally Agreed That A Patio Is An Area Adjoining A House Used For Outdoor Lounging

 ‘Relish Every Kill’: Raid Just Unveiled A Tiny Hammer For Exterminating Ants Individually

We’ve Done It! When This Researcher Discovered A New Turtle Species, An Angel Appeared To Reveal That Humans Had Found Every Kind Of Turtle And Gifted The Researcher A Huge Coin

An Oasis Of Belts Awaits Once You Traverse This Desert Of Loose Pants

Can You Identify All The Parts Of Tony Shalhoub From Memory?

Disturbing Invasion Of Privacy: Newly Declassified Documents Have Revealed The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service Has Been Spying On American Trout For Decades

Still Undefeated: Researchers Have Determined That Stonehenge Remains Man’s Most Successful Attempt To Put Big Ass Rocks In A Circle

Prayers For The President: Joe Biden Has Been Rushed To Walter Reed Medical Center With A Case Of The Zoomies

An Uninhabitable Wasteland: NASA Has Found No Evidence Of Treats On Mars

Probably A Mixup But Still Pretty Cool: This Dying Man Is Seeing Howie Mandel’s Life Flash Before His Eyes

Breaking The Shackles Of Capitalism: This Spiky-Haired Boy Is Going Buckwild In The Arcade’s Racing Game Driver Seat Without Even Inserting Any Coins

Look Not At Your Feet, Mi Bonita: To Truly Mambo, You Must Look At These 9 Photos Of Ed Helms

Here He Comes: The Nude Man Is Coming Down The Conveyor Belt

Stolen Valor: This Man Is Wearing A Toupee Despite Having Floor-Length Golden Hair

Devastating: This Biographer Spent 40 Years Studying General Patton When All It Takes To Write A Book Is To Just Make Shit Up About Elves

the onion

Headlines

As a headline contributor, I pitch jokes and headlines to The Onion staff, who then write the articles. I wrote only the headlines for the pieces linked here.

Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In

Modern-Day Magellan Discovers New Dining Options By Zooming In A Little On Google Maps

Features
As a features contributor, I pitch jokes biweekly for a variety of The Onion’s features, including Pros & Cons, interviews, celebrity profiles, and more. Below are a selection of some of my jokes.

Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago
- Con: Leaves recruitment tables at America’s high school cafeterias unmanned.

Everything We Know About ‘Euphoria’ Season 3 So Far
- Will abide by the Hays Code
- Sydney Sweeney replaced by Richard Kind

Fact-Checking Trump On Crime
- Claim: Just last week, a high-ranking politician was shot in the head at a D.C. theater. // False: Trump is mixing up last week with April 14, 1865.

48 Hours In Starbase
- 1 a.m., The Feeding: The feeding begins.

Tips For Decorating Easter Eggs
- Decide if you’ll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a blue one.

Artist Profile: Morgan Wallen
- Default Setting: Aggrieved

Tips For Keeping Backyard Chickens
- Consider a few feet of separation between your chicken coop and backyard wolf sanctuary.

Food Stamps: Myth Vs. Fact
- MYTH: Defunding food stamp programs won’t actually save the government money. // FACT: Cutting food stamp funding should eliminate millions of unnecessary citizens. 
- MYTH: A reshaped SNAP could force Americans to pass drug tests before they receive food stamps. // FACT: Food stamp eligibility will be determined only by combat in the BloodDome.

History Of Spring Break In The U.S.
- 1940: Winston Churchill delivers his famous “we shall pop top on the beaches” speech to the House of Commons.

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Lady Gaga
- The Onion: What was the creative impetus for this record? // Gaga: I have always been fascinated by the concept of dancing around on stage in an insane hat.

March Madness By The Numbers
- 68: Exotic birds killed to make Kim Mulkey’s outfits

Fact-Checking Trump On The Russia-Ukraine War
- Claim: Trump berated Zelensky as if Ukraine were one of America’s worst enemies. // False: Trump used a tone of voice normally reserved for JD Vance.

What To Know About ‘The Pitt’
- Q: What’s the theme song? // A: Whatever the Fray’s putting out nowadays. 


All Of The Changes Coming To Starbucks
- All employees must purchase something before being able to use the bathroom.

Bird Flu: Myth Vs. Fact
- MYTH: U.S. officials have linked the current bird flu outbreak to China. // FACT: U.S. officials have yet to decide which country to scapegoat.

What To Know About The TikTok Sale
- Q: When’s the new sale deadline? // A: Trump declared TikTok must be sold before the last petal falls from the enchanted rose that sits on his desk in the Oval Office.

‘The Sims’ Turns 25
- 2025: New patch removes pesky “sentience” bug.

What To Know About ‘Mufasa: The Lion King’
- Q: Who is the director? // A: Barry Jenkins, who has bills to pay just like everybody else, by the way.

Tips For Having More Meaningful Conversations
- Ease into more sensitive topics by lowering your megaphone’s volume to a seven or eight.

Timeline of Trendy Christmas Toys
- 1963: The Easy Bake Oven is released, priming the nation’s socially inept children for years of preparing single-serving meals.

How The Trump Administration Will Carry Out Mass Deportation
- Trigger the trapdoor under Arizona.
- Ask Biden how he did it.

the new yorker

I’m 130 Years Old—Here’s What I Wish I’d Known When I Was 110 (January 2025)

Six Eerie Predictions That Early Sci-Fi Authors Got Completely Wrong (June 2024)

19 Incredible Facts About The Giant Squid (March 2022)

Evolutionary Missteps: A Selection of Unnatural Selections (October 2021)

The Most Misquoted Movie Lines Of All Time (December 2020)

The Wonderful World of Probability (August 2020)

Recent Headlines From Hang Gliding Daily Magazine (May 2020)

Meditations On The Nature Of Beauty (December 2019)

mcsweeney’s

The Book Of Job, Revisited (April 2022)

The Art Of Conversation For Eloquent Sophisticates (January 2021)

The Best Mount Everest Pranks Of All Time (August 2020)

How To Remember The Alphabet (July 2020)

CNN Fact Checker Daniel Dale Goes To The Grocery Store (March 2020)

I Get That This One Is Newer But That Doesn’t Mean We Have To Call Mine “The Old Testament” (September 2019)

You Are Now Browsing In Incognito Mode (June 2019)

Sorry Kid, But The Amount Of Cute Animal Posts I’ve Mainlined Has Numbed Me To Even The Most Adorable Content (April 2019)

Seen On A Telephone Pole In Your Neighborhood (August 2018) - Selected For Anthology eBook “Keep Scrollin’ Don’t Stop: More Favorites From McSweeney’s Internet Tendency”

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And So Alexander The Great Wept (June 2021)