clickhole

Since 2021, I’ve been a regular contributor to the satire publication ClickHole. I write headlines, social media posts, and celebrity quotes for the site’s popular “They Said WHAT!?!” series. Below is a selection of some of my jokes.

Headlines

Humanity FTW! This Eighth-Grade Girl Can Encourage Her Peers To Kill Themselves Three Times As Effectively As ChatGPT

Interesting: Heinz.com Is Claiming That They Are Only Collecting Visitor Data To Put On A Hard Drive That They Use To Crush Tomatoes

Disappointing News For The Fans: The NBA Finals Will Be Settled In Arbitration

The Caitlin Clark Effect: Dick’s Sporting Goods Just Released A Basketball With A Ponytail

Master Tactician: Joe Biden Just Solemnly Pushed A Figurine That Looks Exactly Like Him Across A Tabletop Map Towards A Dot Labeled ‘McDonald’s’

4 Episodes Of X-Men Where Professor X Passed Out From Using Cerebro To Locate Other Single Bald Men

Finally! The Witness Protection Program Has Announced It Will Now Offer You A New Identity If You Just Straight-Up Don’t Like Your Life

Finally: Ring Has Unveiled A Cheaper Option Where An Old Person In A Rocking Chair Sits On Your Porch And Tells You Everything They Saw That Day

Medical Mystery: The American Medical Association Has Confessed It Has No Idea Where A Nosebleed Goes When It Stops

‘Did You Think You Could Run? We’ll Hunt You Like The Dog You Are’: This Man Just Moved Into A Brand New Apartment And L.L.Bean Has Already Sent Him A Mail Order Catalog Addressed By Name

Finally! Le Creuset Just Unveiled A Line Of Incredibly Microwave-Unsafe Dinner China For Bad Boys And Daredevils

Even From The Great Beyond, Our Ancestors Watch Over Us: This Man’s Dead Grandma Just Appeared In His Google Doc

If It’s Websites You’re Looking For, You’d Be Hard Pressed To Top YouTube.com (By Drake)

Mark Your Calendars: Astronomers Just Announced That This Month The Property Brothers Will Be In Perfect Alignment, Appearing As If A Single Property Brother

Leveling With Us: The American Dental Association Has Confirmed That The Benefits Of Brushing Your Teeth At The Office Don’t Outweigh The Social Repercussions

‘Twizzlers Are Food’: The Main Selling Point Of Twizzlers’ New Campaign Is That They Are Food

A Wonderful Update: The American Society For Microbiology Just Announced That All Those Tiny Little Guys Are Doing Just Fine

Tough Break For Dad: Barack Obama Is Using His Hall Pass On Mom

A Piece Of History: The Only Thimbleful Of Pixie Dust That Remained When The Last Little Girl Stopped Believing In JFK Is Coming To The Smithsonian

Full Transparency: This Gas Station Bathroom’s Cleaning Logsheet Has Another Sheet Next To It Listing All The Times Someone Absolutely Lit The Place Up

Some Brawn To Balance Out The Brains: Home Depot Has Been Added To The Ivy League

In Defense Of Pus (By Miranda Cosgrove)

Absolutely Bewildering: These Children Call Their Grandpa Exclusively By His Full Name (Walter Feldman) But Refer To Their Grandma Only As ‘Puzzles’

Your Aerocopter Is Ready, The Air Is Calm, Take Your Place Beneath The Wings, And Fly! Fly, John Slattery!

An End To 113 Years Of Bloodshed: Merriam Webster And Oxford English Dictionary Have Finally Agreed That A Patio Is An Area Adjoining A House Used For Outdoor Lounging

 ‘Relish Every Kill’: Raid Just Unveiled A Tiny Hammer For Exterminating Ants Individually

We’ve Done It! When This Researcher Discovered A New Turtle Species, An Angel Appeared To Reveal That Humans Had Found Every Kind Of Turtle And Gifted The Researcher A Huge Coin

An Oasis Of Belts Awaits Once You Traverse This Desert Of Loose Pants

Can You Identify All The Parts Of Tony Shalhoub From Memory?

Disturbing Invasion Of Privacy: Newly Declassified Documents Have Revealed The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service Has Been Spying On American Trout For Decades

Still Undefeated: Researchers Have Determined That Stonehenge Remains Man’s Most Successful Attempt To Put Big Ass Rocks In A Circle

Prayers For The President: Joe Biden Has Been Rushed To Walter Reed Medical Center With A Case Of The Zoomies

An Uninhabitable Wasteland: NASA Has Found No Evidence Of Treats On Mars

Probably A Mixup But Still Pretty Cool: This Dying Man Is Seeing Howie Mandel’s Life Flash Before His Eyes

Breaking The Shackles Of Capitalism: This Spiky-Haired Boy Is Going Buckwild In The Arcade’s Racing Game Driver Seat Without Even Inserting Any Coins

Look Not At Your Feet, Mi Bonita: To Truly Mambo, You Must Look At These 9 Photos Of Ed Helms

Here He Comes: The Nude Man Is Coming Down The Conveyor Belt

Stolen Valor: This Man Is Wearing A Toupee Despite Having Floor-Length Golden Hair

Devastating: This Biographer Spent 40 Years Studying General Patton When All It Takes To Write A Book Is To Just Make Shit Up About Elves