the onion
Since 2025, I’ve contributed headlines to The Onion and written dozens of jokes for the site’s different features, including infographics, explainers, and its American Voices series. Below are a selection of some of my jokes.
Headlines.
Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In
Modern-Day Magellan Discovers New Dining Options By Zooming In A Little On Google Maps
Features
Thanksgiving Travel By The Numbers
-3 BPM: Heart rate of grandpa in the backseat
Fact-Checking Claims About Zohran Mamdani
- Claim: Mamdani adheres to an extremist interpretation of Sharia law. // False: Mamdani remains honor-bound to the ancient samurai code of Bushidō.
The NFL Concussion Protocol: A Step-By-Step Look At How It’s Determined If A Player Can Return To The Game - Print Edition Only
- STEP 3: Trainer blows ceremonial gjallarhorn to commence Concussion Protocol
- STEP 8: Trainer prevents concussion from spreading to body by amputating head
Political Profile: Russell Vought
- Type Of Christianity Preached: Compulsory
- Biggest Pet Peeve: Others’ free will
- Favorite Bible Story: Jesus starves the masses
What To Know About ‘Good Boy’
- Q: What’s so unique about the film? // A: It’s viewed from the perspective of a bored audience member.
- Q: How is Glen Powell’s performance? // A: Again, that is a Nova Scotia duck tolling retriever.
Pros And Cons Of Deploying Troops To Chicago
- Con: Leaves recruitment tables at America’s high school cafeterias unmanned.
Everything We Know About ‘Euphoria’ Season 3 So Far
- Will abide by the Hays Code
- Sydney Sweeney replaced by Richard Kind
Fact-Checking Trump On Crime
- Claim: Just last week, a high-ranking politician was shot in the head at a D.C. theater. // False: Trump is mixing up last week with April 14, 1865.
48 Hours In Starbase
- 1 a.m., The Feeding: The feeding begins.
Tips For Decorating Easter Eggs
- Decide if you’ll be doing impressionism, pointillism, or a blue one.
Artist Profile: Morgan Wallen
- Default Setting: Aggrieved
Tips For Keeping Backyard Chickens
- Consider a few feet of separation between your chicken coop and backyard wolf sanctuary.
Food Stamps: Myth Vs. Fact
- MYTH: Defunding food stamp programs won’t actually save the government money. // FACT: Cutting food stamp funding should eliminate millions of unnecessary citizens.
- MYTH: A reshaped SNAP could force Americans to pass drug tests before they receive food stamps. // FACT: Food stamp eligibility will be determined only by combat in the BloodDome.
History Of Spring Break In The U.S.
- 1940: Winston Churchill delivers his famous “we shall pop top on the beaches” speech to the House of Commons.
The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Lady Gaga
- The Onion: What was the creative impetus for this record? // Gaga: I have always been fascinated by the concept of dancing around on stage in an insane hat.
March Madness By The Numbers
- 68: Exotic birds killed to make Kim Mulkey’s outfits
Fact-Checking Trump On The Russia-Ukraine War
- Claim: Trump berated Zelensky as if Ukraine were one of America’s worst enemies. // False: Trump used a tone of voice normally reserved for JD Vance.
What To Know About ‘The Pitt’
- Q: What’s the theme song? // A: Whatever the Fray’s putting out nowadays.
All Of The Changes Coming To Starbucks
- All employees must purchase something before being able to use the bathroom.
Bird Flu: Myth Vs. Fact
- MYTH: U.S. officials have linked the current bird flu outbreak to China. // FACT: U.S. officials have yet to decide which country to scapegoat.
What To Know About The TikTok Sale
- Q: When’s the new sale deadline? // A: Trump declared TikTok must be sold before the last petal falls from the enchanted rose that sits on his desk in the Oval Office.
‘The Sims’ Turns 25
- 2025: New patch removes pesky “sentience” bug.
What To Know About ‘Mufasa: The Lion King’
- Q: Who is the director? // A: Barry Jenkins, who has bills to pay just like everybody else, by the way.
Tips For Having More Meaningful Conversations
- Ease into more sensitive topics by lowering your megaphone’s volume to a seven or eight.
Timeline of Trendy Christmas Toys
- 1963: The Easy Bake Oven is released, priming the nation’s socially inept children for years of preparing single-serving meals.
How The Trump Administration Will Carry Out Mass Deportation
- Trigger the trapdoor under Arizona.
- Ask Biden how he did it.